I’m getting old. We’re all getting old. And there are a few unmistakable signs. Obviously there’s the gut, and the creaking joints and the grey hairs. But it’s not just physical. I can count the number of times I’m ‘out-out’ in a year using just one hand.

How’s it affecting my bike life then? Well, an outsider watching me trundle along Worcester Park High St the other week would have thought it had all gone forever. I left in the morning all revvy and rorty on the MotoGP replica GSX-R750. And a couple of hours later, I returned, tooled up with a Burgman 650 maxi-scooter. “Dowds has lost it,” they may have thought. “E’s given in and opted for an electric blanket, pipe and slippers twilight existence.” Next stop the Hyundai dealership.

How wrong could an imaginary outsider be? Not much more wrong is the answer folks – because the Burgman 650 is still one of the properly best two-wheelers around. And I’ll explain why.

Who’s ever driven a van? Hands up. Yep, most of you here. Now, who’s driven a really sweeeet van? A nippy short wheelbase Sprinter, maybe a Vito? A VW Transporter, or even a big Crafter? Grunty motor, loads of toys? You were king of the facking road weren’t you?

Well, the Burgman 650 is a tasty white van – on two wheels. Like a van, it’s dead practical. Okay, you cannae quite stick two dirt bikes in the back, but the underseat storage area is pretty cavernous. It’s designed for two full face lids, and then some, so it will take two giant heads’ worth of stuff. Shopping, luggage for a short trip away, the chains needed to secure a bike round London – the Burgman’s load space is a massive boon for day-to-day living.

When you last drove that sweet van – maybe a rental, maybe a works vehicle, perhaps borrowed from a mate to collect a settee which the facking missus insisted on buying off eBay (despite being told it wouldn’t fit in the back of her Ford Ka), you had a laugh didn’t you? Away from the lights, the much grunty torques contained inside a load-lugging commercial vehicle can catch out many a revvy hot-hatch driver. If you’re really lucky – as I was when I worked at SuperBike magazine – you have an enormous engine with an auto-box. The SB works van was a 318 LWB Sprinter, with the automatic transmission, and it would happily cuff even sporty cars away from the lights, up to about 50mph, particularly when empty.

And guess what – the Burgman 650 is much the same. It’s powered by a unique laid-down parallel-twin 638cc motor, mated to a CVT type automatic gearbox, with manual override. That tranny also has a ‘Power’ mode, which lets it rev higher up to peak power before changing up. So sitting at the lights, you just hold the back brake on with your left hand, give a bit of throttle at the biting point, and when amber appears, drop the brake, give it full gas, and you’re away. The revs roll through the seamless gearchanges, the long, low chassis is mega stable: cars have no chance, and unless they’re on the ball, plenty of middleweight bikes will be left standing too. They’ll catch up in the end of course – but the Burgman’s 50-odd bhp gets you the right side of 110mph quick-fast. Prepare for brickbats though: I duffed up one hardcore-looking guy on an angry supermoto from the lights in Croydon, and he wasn’t at all pleased when he caught up at the next red…

So – loads of lugging space, a grunty motor – it must be a pig when you hit the twisties though? Well, it’s certainly a world away from the likes of the GSX-R750 I was testing the week before – in the same way as a Sprinter van is worlds away from a proper sports car. But, again like a modern van, the Burgman does much better than you might think. The brakes are powerful, and give proper brick-wall stopping when needed. There’s a decent-if-basic ABS setup that keeps skids at bay, and the stock Bridgestone rubber kept me upright despite all my best efforts. You do need to make a bit of a leap of faith mind: there’s not the most direct connection between you and the rubber on the road, and hard braking into a bend, or fast cornering, takes a wee while to work up to.

Once you get over the ton, the front gets a bit vague (the rear tyre on our bike was a little square, which might not have helped), and if it’s windy, you might get a bit of a wobble if a strong side gust catches you. It’s never anything to worry about though – you’re more likely to end up worrying about all them average speed cameras you flounced through at an indicated 110mph…

Suzuki’s given the Burgman plenty of toys too. We had the ‘Executive’ version, which comes with a pillion backrest (ideal for taking the kids out), heated grips, heated seat, and electrically-folding mirrors. This last bit sounds like a joke, but you need every inch you can get when slicing through traffic, and folding in the rearviews cuts a good few inches off each side. That’s very useful – the 650 is not exactly svelte, and even filtering on the M25 is much simpler with them folded in.

The dash is good – this most recent version has a huge clear LCD layout with mpg displays, temperature, time, and all sorts. There’s also a cigarette lighter socket in the locking ‘glovebox’ in the front legshield area, so you can keep your phone on charge while on the move. What’s less easy is mounting stuff like satnavs or your phone: there’s no access to the handlebars or top yoke since everything is hidden with plastic covers. You could find a solution I’m sure, but I was a bit snookered short-term to get a satnav mounted up.

Anything missing? Well, some sort of sound system would be amazing of course, and a cruise-control button wouldn’t hurt either. I guess when Euro IV rules dictate a ride-by-wire throttle setup, we might get that sort of thing then. A bigger fuel tank would give you more than 120 miles of full-bore battle-bussing, although to be fair if you keep the revs down and switch off ‘Power’ mode, you can get a good 10mpg more out of the thing fairly easily.

That’s it though. As it is, the Burgman 650 is, quite possibly, the best practical two-wheeler ever made. I was genuinely sad when it had to go back, because it had made so much of my life so much easier. Trip to the airport? No bother: stick bag and locks under the seat, and when you get there, park for free in the short-stay park, stick your bike gear and lid under the seat, lock it up and you’re into the terminal in no time, ready to rock. The leg shield design and (electrically adjustable) windscreen keep the worst weather off you, the heated seat and grips let you get away with a lower level of kit, and the big comfy seat with pillion rest was perfect for schlepping the kids out to school clubs, scouts, parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs…

The day after the Burgman went back, I woke up with an extra-sore back. Slept funny no doubt, and another sign of impending decrepitude. Later on though, I was on eBay, searching for a cheap Burgman 650 nearby. Does that count as another tick in the ‘getting old’ box? Definitely not!

SPECS

Price: £8,999

Engine capacity: 638cc
Engine: 4-stroke, parallel twin, liquid-cooled, DOHC
Bore: 75.5mm x 71.3mm
Compression ratio: 11.2:1
Transmission: SECVT
Final drive: Gear train
MPG (claimed): 60.50
Power: 55bhp@7,000rpm
Torque: 46lb/ft@5,000rpm
Wheelbase: 1,590mm (62.6in)
Seat height: 750mm (29.5in)
Kerb Mass: 277.0kg (610.7lbs)
Fuel capacity: 15.0litres (3.3 UK gallons)
Front suspension: Telescopic, coil spring, oil damped
Rear suspension: Swingarm type, coil spring, oil damped
Front brake: Twin discs, dual-piston calipers
Rear brake: Disc
Front tyre: 120/70R15
Rear tyre: 160/60R14